sambachic (sambachic) wrote in mrrogerslovesu,
sambachic
sambachic
mrrogerslovesu

this won't be half as funny if you didn't read the book...

Chapter 1 - The Other Minister

Hugh Grant (as the Muggle Prime Minister): I am just here because I am good looking, and I am British. In this mind bogglingly boring chapter, it is necessary to have fantasy stimulating material.
Cornelius Fudge: Blah, blah..Muggles..blah..Dumbledure...blah.
Voldemort: *makes bridges explode*
Rufus Scrimgeour: I have the name of a dog, I look like a lion, and I seem to be completely irrelevant to the plot, except for my constant case of PMS.
Voldemort: *makes more bridges explode* PWNED, BWAHAHA!

Chaper 2 - Spinner's End

The fox: *blink*
Bellatrix Lestrange: Stop blinking! The Dark Lord does not like blinking! AVADA KEDAVRA!
The fox: *drops dead*
Bellatrix: *is tough*
Narcissa: This is my big break. I must make it look good.
*pause*
Narcissa: OH SEVERUS!
The United Kingdom: *all is deaf*
Narcissa: My SON! My only SON! Promise me that you will protect my SON!
Severus: If you insist. Even though this will take away from my quiet and cozy life with Wormtail and my cats, it will create a semi-plausible excuse for a plot.

Chapter 3 - Will and Won't

Harry: My room could pass as a trash can, which adds to the wangst and woe of my orphan life.
Harry: Dumbledore won't come get me, because that would be a GOOD thing, and nothing good happens to me.
Harry: *listens to Bright Eyes*
Dumbledore: *knock knock*
Harry: Go away, old man! You are ruining my emo image. What will my MySpace friends say?
Dumbledore: *blue eyes twinkle*
Dumbledore: *they twinkle some more*
Dumbledore: This is important, Harry.
The Dursleys: We don't like wizards. That is our only role in the books. *continue being scared of anything magical*
Harry: So, since Kreacher belongs to me, I could make him stick a shovel up his ass?
Dumbledore: If you wish, Harry. I would opt to start with a spoon though.
Harry: KREACHER! Stick a shovel up your ass!
Kreacher: To himself: Oh shit.
Kreacher: Won't, won't, WON'T!

Chaper 4 - Horace Slughorn

Dumbledore: Has your scar been hurting, Harry?
Harry: Nah. But I have been writing some very deep poetry. I carve my knife into my flesh, my bloody tears spill onto the paper..
Dumbledore: *beams* Wonderful, Harry. You are just like your father, except..
Harry: Yeah, yeah. I have my mother's eyes. The poetry, I don't think Voldy likes it too much. He hasn't tried to get into my head once.
Harry: So tell me again, why am I going with you to visit this friend?
Dumbledore: Horace has a crush on you, Harry. I want you to persuade him to come to Hogwarts with your manly charms and your eyes, like large emeralds.
Harry: *persuades with manly charms and eyes, like large emeralds*

Chapter 5 - An Excess of Phlegm

Mrs. Weasley: HARRY! Look how thin you are, eat!
Harry: WTF, Mrs.Weasley, how do you expect me to fit into these tight pants if my arse is the size of a Quidditch field?
Mrs. Weasley: *looks at Harry's arse*
Mrs. Weasley: It is not so bad, dear.
Harry: Well, I did model those assless chaps for a few years..
Arthur: Molly, my kinky little parakeet! What do I call you when we are..you know?
Mrs.Weasley: Mollywobbles.
Harry: Oh gods, keep it in the bedroom, kthnx.
Fleur Delacour: Even though I have been in England for a billion years, I still cannot get rid of my accent, because the readers might forget that I am French.
Fleur: 'ARRY! 'ELLO ZERE!
Ginny and Hermione: We hate Fleur because she is pretty, and we are British.
Ron: I still have not been properly kissed, even though soon I will be old enough to have grandchildren. *wangsts around*
Hermione: OMGZ, I have a record OWLS!
Harry: I got less, because I should not appear to be perfect. Emo is not perfect. Emo is blood, and soul and tears..

Chaper 6 - Draco's Detour

Everyone:OMGZ, let us go to Diagon Alley, even though there are Death Eaters on the loose, and we could all be killed!
Everyone: More plot, YAYZ!
Draco: I seem to spend most of my time at Madam Malkin's. Voldemort is planning to overtake the wizarding world with his big, bad, lime robes.
Narcissa: OMG, I am in the scene!
Draco: Let me call Hermione a Mudblood again. She might not have picked it up by now.
The trio: *go to the Weasley joke shop*
The Weasley twins: Here Harry. Take anything you want, for free.
Ron: *takes stuff too*
The wins: Nuhuh, little brother. Harry is the Boy Who Lived. If you were in his place, you might also be the Boy Who Got Free Stuff. Now, PAY UP BITCH!
The trio: Let us follow Draco into Knockturn Alley. It is just another chance for us to get killed.
Draco: To the shopowner: Listen, guy. You better fix it, or you die. Tony Soprano is my cousin.
Draco: Pwned.

Chapter 7 - The Slug Club

*everyone stares as Harry walks through the train*
Harry: I knew I did a good job with buying this Dashboard Confessional shirt. It matches the blackness of my heart.
Luna: *is still barmy*
Slugorn's letter: Meet me in Compartment C!
Harry: I wonder what the extracurricular activities are in the Slug Club.
The Slug Club: *is utterly boring*
Harry: *follows Zabini to Malfoy's compartment*
Harry: I am so tough with my Invisibility Cloak.
The Slytherins: Omgz, Ginny Weasley is teh pretty!
Blaise Zabini: I am teh prettier, DAMN IT!
Draco: *pulls the cloak off Harry*
Draco: *breaks Harry's nose*
Harry: Hee, my poetry is coming true. This is so inspiring.
Harry: But I am the hero of the Wizarding World, surely someone will find me, even though the train is empty, and I have the Invisibility Cloak over me!

Chapter 8 - Snape Victorious

Tonks: *finds Harry*
Tonks: WOTCHER, damn it.
Harry: Sup.
Snape: Oh, Harry is quite safe in my hands.
Snape: *mind rapes, tortures and kills Harry* BILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
Dumbledore: There is a new DADA teacher, as usual. Harry Potter books are one big, fat cliche, and why stop that now?
Dumbledore: The new DADA teacher - Severus Snape!
Snape: Pwned, y'all. Pwned.
Everyone: *is pwned*

Chapter 9 - The Half-Blood Prince

The Trio: Oh damn, Hagrid will be bummed about us not taking Care of Magical Creatures anymore.
Harry: Don't worry, guys, I'll let him borrow my Saddle Creek collection. It does wonders.
Snape: *speaks of Dark Arts with a loving caress in his voice* My precioussssss...
Dumbledore's letter: Sup, Harrycakes. Come to my office on Saturday. Do you prefer wine or champagne? Let me know, love. xox
Harry: Oooh, looky here! A stranger wrote all over my Potions book! Let me listen to him and hope I don't end up with my brains as part of the potions! YAYZ!
The Half-Blood Prince: This book is the property of me.

Chapter 10 - The House of Gaunt

Harry: *is still following Half-Blood Prince's intructions and still has intact brains*
Slughorn: Oh Harry, you Potions minx, you make me think naughty thoughts.
Harry: *goes to Dumbledore*
Dumbledore: Now we will be exploring the life of Tom Riddle. Don't worry Harry, it will be a good guide to true emoness and wangst.
Morfin: *is barmier than Luna*
Merope: *is plain and scared*
*angst angst angst*
Harry: Omg, that was Tom Riddle's mum.
Harry: Omg, I would hit it. With a truck.
Dumbledore: Harry, check out the bling bling. It's the Gaunt ring.
Harry: Oh cool, very ghetto fabulous of you, Dumbledore.

Chapter 11 - Hermione's Helping Hand

Harry: Check out the motion of my potion.
Slughorn: *beams*
Hermione: Omgz, Stan Shunpike is a Death Eater!
Ron: He might be under Imperius. Or he might have realized the advantage - he doesn't need Avada Kedavra..one look at his face would surely kill anyone.
Harry: Ooh, let me hold Quidditch trials! The Wizarding World is in grave danger, but who CARES, we have QUIDDITCH!
Hermione: *messes up McLaggen's tryout* Now this will show the readers that I am a rebel as well as an incredibly intelligent witch.
Harry: Ron, you PWNED! *glomp glomp*
Hagrid: *is inside his hut, listening to Cursive* Go away, the trio! I have had enough of you punk ass bitches.
The trio: Hagrid, your class pwns, but we are just so busy.
Hagrid: OKAYZ! Let us eat some rock hard cakes.
Harry: Malfoy is up to something. Being so brilliant and intelligent and good looking as I am, I am sure of it.

Chapter 12 - Silver And Opals

Dumbledore: *is gone*
Harry: WTF. Him being gone distracts attention away from ME. LOOK AT ME. I AM SO PRETTY.
Harry: *dangles Ron upside down*
Harry: Hmm..I wonder WHO is good at Potions, and who was once the victim of this spell...this is a really mystery..
Hermione: The Prince is Teh Ebil!
Slughorn: Harry, come to my supper!
Harry. Can't. Am having a date with Dumbledore.
Slugorn: Ooh, wine or champagne?
Harry. *shrug* I'd rather have a Coke.
Mundungus: *steals stuff*
Harry: Move, everyone! I am the hero, and I will pin him against the wall!
Harry: *pins against the wall*
Katie Bell: Since I was completely irrelevant until now, why not make me the victim of Imperius curse!
Harry: MOVE, EVERYONE! The HERO is here.
Harry: This is Malfoy's doing, I swear on my tight pants.
Ron and Hermione: STFU Harry, or go shag Malfoy already.

Chapter 13 - The Secret Riddle

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Dumbledore: Chill, Harry.
Dumbledore: Today we are going back in time, when I went to tell young Riddle that he is a wizard.
Harry. A'ight.
*in the memory*
Mrs.Cole: *is drunk*
Tom Riddle: *is teh ebil*
Tom: Oooh, I'm so special.
Tom: *steals your yo-yo*
Tom: Ph33r me, Muggle.
Dumbledore. Hogwarts..blah, King's Cross, blah, blah..
Tom: I can do it myself, because I am bad ass.

Chapter 14 - Felix Felicis

Hermione: You must know everything about your enemy. Their hopes, their fears, the colour of their underwear when they are feeling sexy..
The world: STFU HERMIONE.
Ron: I am just Harry's sidekick, therefore I will get pissed off about every little thing.
Ron: *throws a tantrum about the Slug Club*
Hermione: Oh, honestly, Ron..
*Ron and Hermione sickeningly ridiculous moment*
*Ron still sucks at Quidditch*
Ron: Ginny, stop swapping spit with every male in Hogwarts.
Ginny: Ph33r me, Ron, I am GINNY SUE. *maniacal laughter*
Harry: *pretends to put Felix Felicis in Ron's drink because he is a cheap bastard*
Ron: Yay, I am lucky now, I will not screw up yet another game for Gryffindor.
Harry: WTF, WHERE IS MALFOY
Harry: WTF.
Ron: We won, Harry!
Harry: WTF, I don't CARE. MALFOY.
*Ron makes out with Lavander*
Hermione: *emotional breakdown*

Chapter 15 - The Unbreakable Vow

*Ron and Hermione drama*
Ron: She snogged Krum!
Hermione: He is snogging Lavander!
Harry: Luna, go to Slughorn's party with me!
Luna: OKAY! Should I wear my foil suit?
Harry: This is why I wish Ginny Sue would realize that she loves me and becomes STD free!
Hermione: *makes Ron jealous with McLaggen*
Vampire: *is the only good thing about this chapter*
Draco: *crashes* ROCK THE PARTAY.
*Draco and Snape sneak off*
*Harry, as usual, goes after them*
Draco and Snape: CUNNING PLAN, CUNNING PLAN.
Harry: Omgz.

Chapter 16 - A Very Frosty Christmas

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Harry: I swear.
Ron: CHRIST! Fine.
*utterly boring Christmas with vomit inducing wizarding music*
Mrs.Weasley: *gets her freak on*
Lupin: Fenrir Greyback is a BIG, BAD WOLF.
*Ron and Harry open Christmas presents*
Kreacher: *sends Harry maggots*
Kreacher: Pwned, four eyes.
Ron: *opens his present from Lavander*
Harry: Very ghetto, very 'hood Ron.
Ron: Ick.
Harry: You should give it to Dumbledore, he sure loves his bling bling.
Percy: JK hates me. I am just popping in to look like an even bigger asshole.
Scrimgeour: Work with the Ministry, Harry.
Harry: WTF, I am the Harry, Ministry can work for my attractive emo bum.

Chapter 17 - A Sluggish Memory

Lavander: WON-WON!
Ron: LAV-LAV.
Lavander: Hello pookie snookie wiggly woo.
Ron: Hi my binkie winkie kissy missy.
Harry: Oh man. Another date with Dumbledore. WHY DOESN'T HE JUST TAKE ME TO DINNER?
Harry: I RATHER FANCY FRENCH CUISINE.
Everyone: *excited about Apparition lessons*
Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Dumbledore: *shoves Harry into the Pensieve*
Dumbledore: *toasts* To a job well done.
Tom Riddle: *is really hot, thanks to his dad* Sup Morfin.
Morfin: *in Parseltongue* Ssssssup.
*they ramble on about nothing, which includes Merope and Tom Riddle Sr.*
*the second memory*
Tom Riddle: *asks too many questions*
Slughorn: *answers them*
*pointless pointless horcrux horcrux*
Dumbledore: I need you to to get the real memory from Slughorn, Harry.
Harry: Why me?
Dumbledore: Because he thinks you are a fine green eyed speciman.

Chapter 18 - Birthday Surprises

*more Ron and Hermione drama*
Harry: I am the little Potions Prince.
Harry: *gets more praise from Slughorn*
*true love*
Harry: Sir, what is a Whore-Crux?
Slughorn: SOD OFF I AM NOT TELLING YOU!..my little green fairy.
Slughorn: BUT I AM STILL NOT TELLING YOU.
*Apparition all around*
Harry: At least Apparating will help me get away from Slughorn faster when he attempts something.
Harry: I AM KEEPING AN EYE ON MALFOY. HE IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Ron: *eats a box of love potion filled Chocolate Cauldrons*
Ron: I LOVE ROMILDA VANE.
Ron: MARRY ME.
Slughorn: *gives Ron a drink*
Ron: *is poisoned*
Harry: *shows a bezoar down Ron's throat*
Ron: *now choking and poisoned*

Chapter 19 - Elf Tails

*everyone is in the hospital wing, wangsting over Ron*
Harry: PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING. MALFOY POISONED RON.
Mrs.Weasley: Oh Harry, you saved my whole family!
Harry: It was nothing.
Harry: NOW PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
McLaggen: Since Ron has snuffed it, I am on the Gryffindor team. YAYZ.
Harry: *gets hit by a Bludger, which is a standard thing in every book*
*Ron and Harry are together in the hospital wing, getting jiggy with it*
Harry: *calls Dobby and Kreacher*
Harry: Spy on Malfoy for me, MINIONS.
Harry: DO NOT FORGET TO FIND OUT THE COLOUR OF HIS UNDERWEAR.
Harry:..I personally think it's green.
Ron: Lace or silk?
Harry: Silk.

Chapter 20 - Lord Voldemort's Request

Ginny: *argues with Dean*
Harry: OMFGSQUEE.
Dumbledore: Get out of my office, Sybill. I have a date.
*Harry enters*
Trelawney: *throws a tantrum*
Dumbledore: Did you get the memory from Slughorn?
Harry: No. YOU KNOW, I WISH SOMEONE LOVED ME FOR ME. I AM SO MISUNDERSTOOD. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE THE BOY WHO LIVED, AND SCENE AND EMO AND GOOD LOOKING AND TO SPY ON MALFOY -
Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Dumbledore: *shoves Harry into the Pensieve yet again*
*the first memory*
Hepzibah: Tommy boy! *pinches cheeks*
Tom Riddle: Heh, heh, I am so hot.
Hepzibah: Look, I have Slytherin's locket and Hufflepuff's cup!
Tom: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Tom: *steals the locket and the cup* Yay, I have my first two Whore-Cruxes!
*the second memory*
Dumbledore: *is chillaxing in his office*
Voldemort: *is looking pretty rough*
Voldemort: I WANT TO TO TEACH AT HOGWARTS.
Voldemort: ABOUT BUNNIES AND RAINBOWS.
Dumbledore. Tough luck Tommy boy. Try Oxford.

Chapter 21 - The Unknowable Room

Ron: I love you, Hermione.
Hermione: I love you too, Won Won.
Harry: *attempts Sectumsempra on himself*
*Harry summons Kreacher and Dobby*
Dobby: Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!
Harry: Oooh, does he enjoy spankings?
Dobby: Harry Potter, sir, you need help.
Dobby: He is using the Room of Requirement.
Harry: I TOLD YOU MALFOY WAS UP TO SOMETHING.
*Harry goes to the Room*
Harry: I need to see what Malfoy is doing inside you..I need to see the place where Malfoy keeps coming secretly..
A portrait nearby: FOR GOD'S SAKE! SHAG THE BOY ALREADY! I CANNOT TAKE THIS.
Moaning Myrtle: I have an emo boyfriend, Harry.
Harry: WTF. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. I AM EMOER THAN EMO ITSELF.
Harry: *cries black tears*

Chapter 22 - After The Burial

Hagrid: MY PET MONSTER SPIDER DIED.
Hagrid: COME TO THE FUNERAL.
The trio: Err..
Hermione: Harry, use your Felix potion to get the memory from Slughorn.
Harry: EXCUSE ME?
Harry: I am The Boy Who Looks Good In Tight Pants. I don't need Felix Felicis.
Ron: In Slughorn's case, I think tight pants are the equivalent of a luck potion..
Hermione: Oh Ron! When did you become so witty?
Ron: Dunno.
*Harry drinks Felix Felicis*
*Hagrid and Slughorn get piss drunk*
Slughorn: There was this one time, when I got a pet Flobberworm, and my girlfriend was supposed to be coming over, and see, there was a bit of a mix up..
Harry: OMG JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN MEMORY.
Slughorn: *gives Harry the memory*
*half of the book was wasted on the memory and the other half on Lav Lav and Won Won*

Chapter 23 - Horcruxes

Harry: I got the memory!
Dumbledore: I knew you could do it, Harry. I am so proud of you.
Dumbledore: Please don't sue Horace. I need a good Potions teacher.
*the memory*
Tom Riddle: *asks too many questions*
Slughorn: *answers them*
*back out of the Pensieve*
Harry: So, Horcrux is an object that holds a part of a person's soul.
Dumbledore: Indeed.
Harry: Heh, I thought it was a Wizarding Brothel. Thought Voldemort used it as headquarters
Dumbledore: WTF.
Harry: Well, it seems LIKELY! Just like..why do you think they kidnapped Ollivander? Those wands do not have to be used only for magic, you know.
Harry: So, I have to destroy the Horcruxes in order to kill Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Oh, good one. Why not?

Chapter 24 - Sectumsempra

Hermione: Omg, Harry, you are going on a mission with Dumbledore!
Ron: I hate being the sidekick.
Ginny: *ditches Dean*
Harry: Excellent. Now Ginny can become my girlfriend, even though I have not looked at her twice in the past 5 years.
Harry: It is so hard being the hero.
Harry: GINNY OR RON?
Harry: GINNY OR RON?
*in the bathroom*
Moaning Myrtle: Drakey-wakey, what's wrong?
Draco: *sobs* I can't do it..I can't..it won't work..and I am too pretty to die..look at my white blond head..it is so gorgeous..I mean..it isn't fair..
Draco: And then there is POTTER.
Draco: He thinks he is SO scene, with his thick glasses and his tight pants and his band shirts..
Draco: I'M TELLING YOU.
Draco: Who went to EVERY Bright Eyes show in the past year? NOT Potter. ME.
*Harry enters*
Harry: Are you calling me un-emo?
Harry: SECTUMSEMPRA, BITCH!
Draco: *is close to snuffing it*
Draco: *does not snuff it, thankfully*
*after the Quidditch game*
Ron: Harry, I am so glad you were banned, so I could have the spotlight for once.
Ron: Err, I mean, WE WON. WE WON!
Harry: *runs up to Ginny and snogs her*
The fandom: *dies*

Chapter 25 - The Seer Overheard

Harry: *goes to the Room of Requirement*
Trelawney. Oh, shit. I should have found a better place for hiding my alcohol and drugs.
Trelawney: There is someone inside. A happy male.
Dumbledore: I FOUND A WHORE!
Dumbledore: CRUX.
Harry: k.
Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.
Dumbledore: STFU. Let's go destroy the Horcrux.
Harry Let me go to my heroic duties first.
Harry: Ron, Hermione, Ginny, get the DA members and protect Hogwarts!
Harry: My Inner Eye is seeing something. And since the hero will be absent, someone needs to attempt to be as good.

Chapter 26: The Cave

Dumbledore: Let's swim, Harrry, even though we are wizards, and surely there are other ways of getting inside the cave.
*inside the cave*
Dumbledore: Let me cut my finger as payment to the cave, it might earn the film a PG-13 rating.
Dumbledore: Let's take this nice boat to the middle of the lake.
*they get to the middle*
Dumbledore: Now, why don't I drink the green liquid here? I might be the only wizard Voldemort has ever feared, but who cares? This is more exciting!
Dumbledore: *drinks*
Harry: Hee, look, it's the guys from Dawn of the Dead! SUP GUYS!
*The Inferi seize Harry to kill him, and rightfully so*
Dumbledore: I am now better, because Harry can't die until the 7th book.

Chapter 27 - The Lightning-Struck Tower

Harry: PWNED. We did it, Professor.
Madam Rosmerta: Pwned you are.
Harry: Omgz, it's the Dark mark!
Dumbledore: Shit. Go wake Severus.
*they arrive at the Astronomy Tower*
Draco: The Death Eaters are inside, and fighting. My Cunning Plan worked.
Draco: I will kill you now.
*a year passes*
Draco: I will kill you now. Yes.
Snape: *enters* Draco, you nancy. That is why you have only 186 MySpace friends. See this?
Snape: *points wand at Dumbledore* AVADA KEDAVRA!
Dumbledore: *dies*

Chapter 28 - Flight Of The Prince

The Death eaters: *run back*
*lots of fighting, angst, and more fighting*
Snape: I AM THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!
Harry: Well, that was a tough one.
The note of R.A.B: I am the plot for the next book.

Chapter 29 - The Phoenix Lament

*this chapter includes lots of sorrow, Snape bashing, Bill being a werewolf, and Fleur having a brain. I will not write anything else.*

Chapter 30 - The White Tomb

*Dumbledore is buried*
Harry: We cannot be together anymore, Ginny.
Ginny. WTF.
Harry: People will always be after me. Voldemort will want to get to people I am close to.
Ginny: But..but..we haven't had our upside down kiss in the rain yet!
Harry: I know, Ginny. I know.
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